Hello again! I have missed posting over the past month and am thrilled to be writing again! My original intent with this blog was to try to post something once a week. I am sad to say that idea came to a screeching halt when recently I got sick. Before it was over with, I could barely breathe, much less think clearly or creatively. Needless to say, that inability to breathe - and one very frightening night - was the inspiration for this post. I am sure there will be some who read this and shake their head at my "overreacting" but, I am just as sure that anyone with asthma will more than understand . . .
Breath of Life Breathe
Sole Creator
of all creation;
my soul cries out
in desperation.
Without You
life fades away;
You, the Giver,
the Taker of days.
"Deliverance!"
my body rasps;
besieged within
this torturous grasp.
Breath of Life
breathe in me.
Fill my spirit
completely.
Sigh Your words
into my soul,
‘til overflowing
they make me whole.
You breathe out.
I gasp within.
Renewing hope
fills me again.
Breath of Life
breathe in me . . .
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It was a sleepless night - again. I had been sick for over a month now with bronchitis and the coughing at night refused to let up. It did not matter if I piled up pillows to prop against or if I grabbed a blanket and tried to sleep in the recliner. Nothing gave relief, not my asthma rescue inhaler, not the cough medicine with codeine, not a walk outside in the cold air or the hot shower that steamed the entire bathroom to the point of dripping door knobs. This night, my wheezing seemed to worsen with every inhale. Have you ever tried to suck a too thick malt through a straw? That was me trying to draw air into my aching lungs. Instead of getting any breath at all, I felt like the dementors from "Harry Potter" were sucking every bit of life out of me!
Now, some would like to say that I was just having the worst asthma attack I have ever had since being diagnosed 10 years ago and that I just panicked. I don't know. Maybe it was, But, it didn't seem like it at the time. I have had bad attacks in the past; ones that felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. This seemed like something more. It was as if I could literally tell there was no more room in my right lung and that my left was only functioning at the very tip-top of the lobe. If my lungs had been a gas tank being filled, it was about to overflow! I could now hear a gurgling with each wheeze.
They say you will pass out before you suffocate from an asthma attack. I don't know if that is true or not. I hope I never find out. But, I still felt this was something more and I was really getting scared! More than I have been from anything in a very long time. I paced the floor of the bathroom just knowing my breath was about to be taken from me. How could it not be? Every gasp seemed to take in less air than the one before. I got down on my knees and begged God, "Not yet, Lord! I know You can't be through with me yet . . ." As I petitioned God to spare me/help me, I begged the One who breathed life into Adam to breathe for me, through me, into me . . .
The Healer, who can speak one word and heal any illness, did not instantly heal me. LOL! No. He didn't. But, He did give me Barry! :-) I had been trying to let him sleep because the poor thing goes to work so early. Finally in desperation, I woke Barry and told him I needed him to help me calm down. As I pulled on my clothes, I told him the situation and that I thought I needed to go to the ER. Truthfully, I wasn't even sure I could make it across town to get to the hospital and debated on calling 911. Thankfully, Barry thought of his son's old nebulizer that was gathering dust in the closet. Barry also told me that at Christmas, his father
(Billy) had sent me some medicine just in case I needed it - medicine that used a nebulizer - and that he had forgotten to mention it. My sweetie, set up the nebulizer for me and rubbed my back to help me relax as I sucked in the medicated vapors of relief. It didn't solve the whole problem, but it did help. I was still wheezing, but not as badly and my breathing eased. Neither of us undressed the rest of the night and I still didn't fall asleep. But, I made it until the morning and was at the doctor's office first thing. Sure enough, my lungs were full of infection
(the right much worse than the left) and my oxygen level tested low
(Surprise!)
It had been an exhausting, fearful night. But convenient, don't you think, that God had already supplied my needs before I even asked? Cool, clear-headed Barry was there to think for me. The nebulizer that had not been used in years was still in storage (
and we knew exactly where in was stored for a change), and Billy had given us the albuterol I needed so desperately. The thing is, our Heavenly Father knew what I needed and had supplied everything for me. The joy is, He has promised to do just that for all of His children.
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:19 Before we ask, He is already there! We are never alone, even in our darkest moments.
My question to myself is, "Why did I wait so long to ask for help?" Stubborn me always thinks I can do it myself. Compassionate me didn't want to bother anyone else with my problem. I need to learn that sometimes what is best for me is that I need to set self aside. . . .
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Breath of Life. my Creator, thank You for being there beside me when I was struggling and afraid. It is a comfort to know I am never alone. I pray that You fill not only my lungs, but my entire being with Your sweet Spirit. When I ask that You breathe in me; I am asking for more than health. I am asking that You live through me. Use my life as Your own for whatever purpose You see fit. May my life be a breath of fresh air in a gasping for hope world. ~ Amen
