Better By Now

Better By Now

I thought things would be better by now.
I thought life would be sweeter somehow.
But the years roll by and nothing has changed;
the same old, same old simply rearranged.
I thought things would be better by now.

I thought dreams were supposed to come true,
I know not all, but at least a few.
And although my life hasn’t been all bad,
there have been dreams that I wish I’d had;
dreams I thought were supposed to come true.

I thought I would be more than just this;
thought there would be more to reminisce.
Yet, the woman I longed to be remains
confined within her emotional chains.
I thought I would be more than just this.
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I guess it is obvious from my writing that I have been in a blue mood lately. I know it will pass; but I hate being down when I know I am blessed in so many ways. And yet, sometimes counting our blessings isn’t as easy as it should be. Recently, I read this quote from an Ella Wheeler Wilcox poem and agreed wholeheartedly:

“Tis easy enough to be pleasant,
when life flows along like a song;
but a man of worthwhile is the one who will smile
when everything goes dead wrong.”

There are several issues that have my emotions reeling lately; some of them I have control over, others I don’t (though some would argue that I have control over those as well and just don’t have the heart to do what I should). I will spare you hearing about all of them and just begin at the beginning of my slump.

It all began by cleaning my room and finding some old journals of mine. I think I should just burn the things sometimes! Though there are good times recorded in them as well, it is upsetting to me to go back and read the same struggles, heartaches, things I planned that never happened and the still yet to be answered prayers. Last year, five years, ten years ago and still the same issues unresolved? What gives?

I don’t blame God; though it is tempting at times to scream, “WHY DO YOU WAIT?” I know that I am a part of the problem. I have allowed some of these unfulfilled dreams and problems to persist. Whether it is by lack of self-esteem, co-dependency, lack of a backbone, fear. . . I have failed to walk in faith that God will take care of everything. I have failed to completely trust God to use me the way I long to be used and to solve any trials that come from answering His call. When I have prayed, "What should I do?" I have failed to truly listen. I am a doubting Thomas. . .

I have a darling young friend whose faith right now I envy so much. She and her husband are stepping out, trusting that God will be their safety net, and going down a whole new path in life. Her husband has answered God’s call to preach, in another town, a town that is not next door to all the family and friends they love so much. God said, "Do it or I will get someone else who will." (paraphrased by me) and their response was, "Yes, Sir!" I am so proud of them and thrilled for them. . . and maybe a tinge jealous.

How many times has God asked something of me and I have doubted the message was from Him, doubted my ability, doubted He would take care of the financial issues or other trials that would come from taking that unfamiliar path? Maybe, if I had trusted trusted more, I would be the woman I imagined being by now. Maybe if I begin to trust more today, I still can be. . .
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Heavenly Father, forgive my lack of faith and trust. Forgive me for the times I have asked for Your guidance and then failed to listen long enough to hear Your voice. Help me, Lord, even now, to hear what You are telling me to do. And then, allow me to step out without fear and do it with the peace, reassurance and strength only You can give. Increase my faith and help me become the woman of grace we both want me to be. I seek You, God. Find me!  ~ Amen